Dying all over again

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© Picture: Geralt@Pixabay
Written by: Jehan Daal

It was only a couple of weeks ago that I. gave us some terrible news. Her father was not just tired that week, he went to the doctor and returned with the shittyiest news ever. He was diagnosed with cancer and there was not even the smallest chance that he could win this battle. All there was left, was a couple of weeks with his loved ones.

I was shocked. I was silent. There it was again CANCER. The fucking disease that hunted us for a long time and just started to let us go. Now it seemed that the fucker did not move that far. This brought me right back to my father’s battle.

Her father fought the battle against time. One last time he wanted to celebrate his grandson’s b-day and oh please let him be present at the b-day of one of his daughters for the last time. The last weeks where filled with beautiful moments, tears and the fear of the moment that came closer with every heartbeat.

Then I get the message, her father died. And mine died all over again. The smell of Eucalyptus in the room. The first thing I did: sending an email to my Greek friend and receive a reply from him within a minute. Hating the fact that he was so awfully far away, even though he felt really near at that moment.

Looking at the body on the bed that was still my father, but now without a heartbeat. The moment that I knew that I would never have another conversation with him, that his heart would never beat again. The certainty that he would never ever be part of a new memory, that his voice would never say my name again. 

But feeling so calm. Thankful that he was no longer in pain. No time to realize what it all meant, because there where so many things that we needed to decide on and that we needed to get done. Comb his hair and get him dressed, writing my goodbye speech and decide on the music for the funeral. 

Today she is feeling so sad, but also feeling so calm. Forced to go on, because there is a lot for her and her family to decide on and to get done. Comb her father’s hair and get him dressed, deciding on writing a goodbye speech. 

I felt the warmth of all the sweet messages, the candles that were burned and the Paella that was cooked by the Spaniard. I crawled on the couch, doing nothing for a moment. Just letting someone take care of me.

Today I hope that you feel the warmth of all of our messages. I think of you and your family, I know what you are going through. And I burn a candle in memoriam of your father and a bit for mine, because today he died all over again.

 

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